In her office in The Lodge, the Hon. Julia Gillard is distractedly eating her breakfast at her desk, casting anxious looks occasionally out the window; clearly, she is impatiently waiting for something. On the other side of the room, a nervous private secretary awaits instructions. Her leman rushes in with an armful of newspapers.
Ms Julia Gillard: Ah, the papers at last, Timmy. There’s a good boy. Would you like a treat, Timmy?
Timmy: Umm, yum. Did Timmy do good?
Julia Gillard: Yes, Timmy, you did well. Off you go. I mean, go, now! No, don’t pee on the floor; leave the room!
Ms Julia Gillard: Right. I had a cunning plan to stop cabinet leaks—or, at least, to discover which treacherous rat is leaking—and told Combet, Macklin, Shorten, Plibersek, Crean, Swan and Wong in confidence that I’d call a leadership spill next week; but—and here’s the really clever bit, which I did not get from McNasty, mind—I secretly told each of them individually that the vote would be held on a different day! Ha! I said, “on a different day!”
Private Secretary: What? Oh, sorry. Yes, very clever, Prime Minister.
Ms Julia Gillard: Anyway, what does The Courier Mail say?
Private Secretary: “Rattled PM calls leadership ballot on Wednesday.”
Ms Julia Gillard: Bloody Swan! What does The Herald Sun say?
Private Secretary: “Embattled PM calls leadership ballot on Tuesday.”
Ms Julia Gillard: Bloody Crean! He’s next. What does The Age say?
Private Secretary: “Surprise vote call from brave PM next week.”
Ms Julia Gillard: Well, that’s much better. Good old Michelle. What else does The Age say?
Private Secretary: “Our resilient PM, in a show of strength, has called for a series of leadership ballots on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday as well as Sunday.”
Timmy: Umm, yum. Did Timmy do good?
Julia Gillard: Yes, Timmy, you did well. Off you go. I mean, go, now! No, don’t pee on the floor; leave the room!
Ms Julia Gillard: Right. I had a cunning plan to stop cabinet leaks—or, at least, to discover which treacherous rat is leaking—and told Combet, Macklin, Shorten, Plibersek, Crean, Swan and Wong in confidence that I’d call a leadership spill next week; but—and here’s the really clever bit, which I did not get from McNasty, mind—I secretly told each of them individually that the vote would be held on a different day! Ha! I said, “on a different day!”
Private Secretary: What? Oh, sorry. Yes, very clever, Prime Minister.
Ms Julia Gillard: Anyway, what does The Courier Mail say?
Private Secretary: “Rattled PM calls leadership ballot on Wednesday.”
Ms Julia Gillard: Bloody Swan! What does The Herald Sun say?
Private Secretary: “Embattled PM calls leadership ballot on Tuesday.”
Ms Julia Gillard: Bloody Crean! He’s next. What does The Age say?
Private Secretary: “Surprise vote call from brave PM next week.”
Ms Julia Gillard: Well, that’s much better. Good old Michelle. What else does The Age say?
Private Secretary: “Our resilient PM, in a show of strength, has called for a series of leadership ballots on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday as well as Sunday.”
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